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On Being a "Good Girl" Smut Writer © Rachel Kramer Bussel For most of my life, I've generally thought of myself as a "good girl." But more recently, as I've been writing erotica and getting involved in the local sex and S/M scenes, I've started to think of myself as a "bad girl."This didn't really hit me until recently. I did a reading at a local lesbian bar, and read a true story about getting my first lapdance at a strip club. The story was sexy but also focused on my own feelings for the stripper. Afterwards, several people told me that my story was really"sweet." I was offended. "The story's supposed to be hot!" "Don't you see that I'm wearing a necklace that says 'filthy'?" "Don't you get that I don't want to be known as sweet?" Another recent sex-related essay had yielded the same result,and I felt insulted. How could I be "sweet" when I was writing about sex?I was starting to feel like a bad "bad girl," throwing too much sweetnessand light into my smut, ruining my image. But the more I thought about it, the more it made sense. I'm still a "good girl," I've just shifted the definition of being a good girl around. For me to not be a good girl, I'd have to think that having sex, writing about sex, and writing about my own sex life were bad things, and I wholeheartedly don't. In fact, I receive incredible empowerment, enlightenment and encouragement from doing so. Embracing my own sexual desires and boldly stating them to the world has strengthened my self-esteem and made it easier to flirt and approach people because I fundamentally believe in my own sexiness. And much as I might play with submission, punishment, and the thrill of being a "bad girl" in my sex life, that's what it is for me - play. And I'm sure part of the reason I get off on that so much is that I really am a quintessential good girl. I talk to my parents and grandparents often, I take my vitamins, I don't do drugs, I send cards on birthdays and holidays.I really don't fundamentally deviate from my own values, it's just that some of my values deviate from the norm of "correct" society to such an extent that I'm perceived to be "bad" because I'm open about my sexuality. The flip side of those who think my writing is "sweet" are all the people who see writing about sex as automatically a shameful thing to hide. I think I'd internalized a bit of our culture's negative feelings about sex into my own life, and felt that all of my smut writing and sexual exploits (which for me are often the same) had invalidated all of my "good" qualities. I have one friend who finds all of my writing, readings and events amusing, perhaps because she feels embarrassed about them. My family's reactions are mixed, and I get the distinct impression that it's okay as long as we stick to a "don't ask, don't tell" policy. While I get incredible affirmation from fellow members of the erotica and queer/alternative sex communities, the general world is not really that welcoming to those of us who write smut, "sweet" or not. But that has forced me to become a stronger person and truly question whether this is what I want to do, and my answer is a resounding Yes. Of course, I have my bad habits -- I'm a total slob, perpetually late, etc. I didn't say I was perfect. But I definitely work hard to follow my own moral codes, and try to fix mistakes I've made and hurts I've caused. I've been especially cautious about trying to establish clear boundaries about my sex life and what I'm looking, and not looking, for, with my partners. I take being a slut seriously. That also means that I'm vulnerable to being hurt as well. I put my emotions, honesty and beliefs out there not just in my writing but in my actions, which can have its drawbacks, but it's all definitely worth it. I write pretty often about my own sex life, whether in articles or "fictional" stories. For me, this is part of my writing process and both aids me in dissecting the nuances of my sexual experiences as well as helps me create plots for my stories. Sometimes I feel like this is "going too far;" a lot of conventional wisdom says that erotica should not come from our own personal lives but from our fictional fantasy lives. But what happens when we live out our fantasies? How do we take our own hot scenes and translate them to the page? That's what I often attempt to do, and the truth is I really don't write about my sex life in order to shock or freak people out. I'm not trying to be a bad girl, but in fact to pursue honesty and to sort out my own feelings about my actions. It's often only in the process of writing that I recall certain details about a sexual encounter, that I'm able to parse out my feelings for a specific act and partner. And the truth is, by putting my own life out there into the world, I get so much in return. People often come to me with questions about their sex lives, and while I can't always answer their queries, I feel honored to be included. The only reason that they feel comfortable asking me is because they are already working with a basic knowledge about my sex life. I don't think sex is necessarily a secretive act, though obviously I don't dish out every single detail all the time. But by demystifying sex -- talking about the good, bad, ugly, confusing and enlightening parts of it -- I think that all of us benefit. So I want to reclaim being a good girl for all the freaks. We can still be kinky, polyamorous, bisexual, slutty, and everything else, and still be good girls. And I don't mean that we have to be good girls or subscribe to every cultural imperative to be "sugar and spice" and always cheerful, but I'm not going to throw all those years of manners and smiles and propriety completely out the window. I've just learned when they come in handy, and I know how to fuck with them as well as the next sex radical. And to me that's much more powerful than simply falling into a false role of "bad girl." I'm sweet and saucy and naughty, and just as likely to be making silly smiles at a cute baby on the subway as doing a hot scene and writing about it later. I'm not just one or the other, good or bad, and I find that division incredibly simplistic and offensive. In other words, I write smut, pose for nude photos, and am generally pretty racy, but I'm still a certified good girl at heart. © Rachel Kramer Bussel |
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